I have been diagnosed with a moderate case of Postpartum Depression and anxiety. I have known I had PD since probably January, but I was "officially" diagnosed by a psychologist on April 1st. Not a very good April Fools day joke. But I didn't really need a doctor to tell me that I am not myself right now and that something is definitely not right. Since my last meeting with my doctor I had this big realization of why I have been wanting to write this post, not because I want people to feel sorry for me, or to publicize my personal affairs. Quite the opposite actually. But rather I want other women to know that they are not alone. I know barely anyone reads this blog, but maybe if I put it out there, even just one other mom might hear what I have to say and not feel so alone yourself.
You see PD has a lot of symptoms and can very different to everyone woman. For me out of all the challenges I am facing is feeling utterly and hopelessly alone. I am surrounded by people all day. I talk to others, I laugh and make small talk, but for probably 23 out of 24 hours a day, I feel very alone. It has made me wonder, why don't we talk about this more? One out of seven women in the U.S. will face PD and yet not one women has talked about her personal experiences to me. Not one. I have heard endless advice about pregnancy, how to get through morning sickness, labor and why everyone's particular method is the best, everything about breastfeeding, sleep methods, etc. etc. But out of everything I have faced regarding motherhood, postpartum depression by far has been the hardest. Probably one of the hardest things I have faced ever. And yet no one has said anything about it. I know other moms are out there. So this is why I am writing this post. To maybe let someone else know that they are not alone and if they want to talk, then I am here to listen as well.
What does postpartum depression feel like? Well I am learning it is different for others. But for me, it feels like this.
People think that as a new mom you must feel like this
But in reality this is what I feel like,
No matter how much sleep I get, I never feel rested.
And the rage. If someone does something that is the least bit annoying or bothersome, I get the rage.
I feel angry and grumpy probably 90% of the time.
And then the guilt sets in. Oh the guilt. I have an amazing life. An amazing husband. An amazing son. I should be happy. I feel so much guilt for not feeling happy and that I am a terrible mother.
And the tears.
And the deep deep sadness that sinks in. It is like wearing a weight around your shoulders all day long. You hope that when you wake up it will be a new day and you will feel new again, but when morning comes it is all still there.
And the loneliness.
I don't think I have ever felt more alone in my whole life.
Right now you might be thinking a few things. First of all, how sad, and maybe even pathetic. Or Kayla, don't you know that parenting is hard? This is what all new moms feel like. It isn't easy so just get over it, grab a Diet Coke, and keep going. Or maybe you relate.
The day minute I got home from the hospital I burst into tears when I saw my Mom. I barely even noticed the blue balloons and flowers she had bought for me. I convinced Sam to take Gavin and I slept for two hours and didn't even wake up when our first visitors came to see Gavin. That didn't bother me during the time, because well, I was tired, but now it does.
The baby blues are normal. Most women will find that they cry easily or feel over emotional in the first week or two of being a new parent. That is just because your body is going through huge physical and hormonal changes. I mean you just pushed a baby out of your body, your boobs are all of the sudden producing milk, you are probably in pain, you are beyond sleep deprived, and yet you are so in love with this new human being that you might burst. It's a lot to take in and it's no wonder we women cry a little or feel a little crazy at first. I definitely experienced all that. I cried a lot. A lot, a lot. But then I kept crying. Two weeks turned into a month, then two months.
Finally after a terrible crying episode Sam convinced me that I should probably seek a doctor's help. I ended up going to see a doctor to help me understand why I was feeling this way. I started taking a medication that makes me dizzy and drowsy every day, but at least I don't feel so sad. I do feel better. But still not 100% me. I wonder if I ever will feel like me again. I think that is part of this journey, I am trying to find a new balance in my life and hopefully one that doesn't involve taking anything or meeting with any more doctors. My hopelessness is fading and there does seem to be a light at the end of this.
It is hard to feel sad every day. It is hard to feel hopeless and down all the time. It is hard to feel annoyed with other people and feel like you can't do anything right. But the worst part of it all is that I feel like I have missed out on Gavin. I feel like there have been so many days that instead of just snuggling and enjoying my baby, I have been drowning in all of these emotions that there is just not enough of me to give to my own baby. So that is my new goal, now that I am feeling a little better I want to live my life with Gavin without regret. I know I am a good mom. But it is hard to convince myself some days.
It has been a long seven months since I brought Gavin home but I am learning how to live this new life. I am lucky to be overcoming this depression because there are so many women that don't. There is no way to describe the burden of living with this daily and still having to go through every day life as if everything is fine. I have made a lot of changes in which I put Sam and Gavin first and push aside the other things that keep us so busy and yet so unfulfilled.
If you are a women suffering with Postpartum Depression please get help. If a mother confides in you about her struggles, please don't just tell her that is "normal" and that parenting is just hard. Listen to her. Love her. Be her friend.
I'm sorry you've had to go through this, friend, and I commend you for having the bravery to speak up about it. Every woman experiences things so differently, so I concur that it's so important that ALL experiences are represented, and not just all the super positive ones. New parenthood IS hard for everyone, but postpartum depression is its own beast that needs its own help, and it's NOT just some little thing you can "shake off."
ReplyDeleteI wish I lived closer so that I could have been there more for you when you were going through it all, but I know you have a great family who loves and supports you close by (thank goodness). I hope you know that I love you and support you though, even though we don't see each other as often as we'd like.
I've found that for me, I tend to give myself more grace as I get more into this whole thing known as parenthood. Stuff I totally beat myself up for even a few months ago, I can now look back and offer myself some grace and mercy and patience because I know that I was doing the best I could with the energy stores I had at the time. I think sometimes we have this image of "the ideal mother" in our heads all the time and if we're not 100% doing it all the time, then we feel like failures.
In those moments, I think of my own mother, as well as Sherry---two mothers that I admire more than anything--and I realize that I've seen both of them be less-than-perfect and sometimes get frustrated or grumpy (on more than one occasion). But despite their imperfections, I laud them both for continuing to try their best, even if they didn't always reach it, and I still look to them as "the ideal mothers," even if they are humanly incapable of acting that way 100% of the time. (I hope that makes sense.)
Gavin doesn't need a perfect mother--he just needs you. And YOU are enough (more than enough).
I love you, friend. Hope this PPD can be kicked to the curb for good real soon. *Hug*
Kayla. You're right. No one talks about it. Like its some sort of secret scary ugly beast - which it kind of is - except it doesn't need to be secret. It's something that happens more than we know or talk about and not talking about it is the opposite of helpful. I didn't experience this too much after Gracie, but I have had a totally different experience after having Lola. Definitely in the same boat as you on a lot of those things you talked about. It has not been easy. So let's talk!! Seriously. Love you friend.
ReplyDeleteLove you Kayla! I'm so sorry you are going through this. Motherhood is hard enough without having to deal with depression. Love you!
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