Gavin at 6 Months

Well Gavin turned 7 months yesterday, so I think it is probably about time that I post about Gavin at 6 months. Month 6 was maybe the most challenging since the newborn phase, but all the growing pains have great rewards in the cuteness factor. Gavin is growing so fast! Here are the 6 month stats:

Height: 28 inches 89%
Weight: 17 pounds 14 ounces 51%
Head: 16.7 inches 14%

Literally the night that Gavin turned 6 months he woke up every few hours and it seems like the next day my sweet little 5 month old turned into a cranky and irritable 6 month old. It was such an overnight thing that it seemed so weird. I suspected that maybe Gain was teething but there was no way of knowing for sure. Gavin was just so grumpy all the time and seemed to be crying a lot more than usual. Well sure enough, after a few weeks of this I finally felt a little tooth poking through his bottom gums, and then the crabbiness really set in. Poor Gavin basically cried himself to sleep every night for a week. Little did I know that he was actually getting a second tooth as well. Once that one came through it was like we got our happy, sweet, pleasant baby back instantly. So the bottom line is that teething it the pits.

Even though 6 months has been a difficult time, it has also been a month of so much growth! Gavin seems to be learning new things every day. He can roll easily from front to back all over the place. He loves pretty much every food we have given him. He has started to become so much more interactive and so interested in everything going on around him. He is starting to talk and babble all the time. He has learned how to make all kinds of sounds with his mouth and it is really just the cutest. He can almost sit up all by himself now. He seems to be growing right before my eyes!

I love how Gavin is such a friendly baby and smiles at just about anyone, unless they have a beard. He can be terrified of men with beards. I love that he is starting to get a little snuggly at night and that he will rest his head on my shoulder for a little bit. I love that he seems interested in books and that he actually sits and seems to listen to the story when I read to him before bed time. I love that he sleeps all snuggled on his side (even though at first it kind of freaked me out because we always have slept hin on his back) but now it is just cute. I love how when he starts to get too tired he also gets crazy giggly and just laughs his head off over the smallest things. I love going on walks with Gavin because they make him so calm and he loves to just look around at everything outside. I love how much Gavin loves dogs and cats. He loves to stare and smile at Nala, even when she it just sitting doing nothing. I love coming and getting him from his crib in the morning and seeing that first smile of the day. I love how sweet Gavin is. He really is just a sweet, lovable, crazy kid. He is so weird and so funny to watch.

Now that I am done with school (forever!) I feel like I can really just enjoy motherhood and enjoy Gavin. We are going to start working on some sleep training so he isn't waking up multiple times a night. I am so excited to only have to worry about our schedule instead of always having to adapt to others because of baby sitting. I feel like Gavin is always tired and hungry, especially since the last two weeks Gavin refused to take a bottle after he got teeth, yes that was very fun. I am also trying to work on Gavin not nursing to sleep every time he needs to nap. Being a working Mom means there are many sacrifices of how you will parent, but now I can actually do the things the way I want to. I am nervous and also so excited about this new chapter in my life. Motherhood is something that has not come natural to me but I feel like I am starting to get a handle on things and now I can't wait to just embrace this crazy Mommy life!

Those cheeks!

My favorite sweater!

Mother's Day

Playing in his Monster Jammies

Just like Dad

We love you Gavin! You are half a person now! At least that's what Sam and I always tell him. We can't wait for this next half a year and to see all the new things you will learn.

Living with Postpartum Depression

I have been grappling with whether to write this post for about 3 months now. I have thought about it over and over of why on earth I would write a public blog post about something very personal to me and what my motives are. Do I want to write it just as an outlet for my feelings? Maybe I want people to feel sorry for me. Maybe I want to document this moment of my life so I can look back and see how far I have come in the future. Well I guess none of those reasons are why I am writing this and it has taken me about 3 months to figure out why I would want to write about this at all.

I have been diagnosed with a moderate case of Postpartum Depression and anxiety. I have known I had PD since probably January, but I was "officially" diagnosed by a psychologist on April 1st. Not a very good April Fools day joke. But I didn't really need a doctor to tell me that I am not myself right now and that something is definitely not right. Since my last meeting with my doctor I had this big realization of why I have been wanting to write this post, not because I want people to feel sorry for me, or to publicize my personal affairs. Quite the opposite actually. But rather I want other women to know that they are not alone. I know barely anyone reads this blog, but maybe if I put it out there, even just one other mom might hear what I have to say and not feel so alone yourself.

You see PD has a lot of symptoms and can very different to everyone woman. For me out of all the challenges I am facing is feeling utterly and hopelessly alone. I am surrounded by people all day. I talk to others, I laugh and make small talk, but for probably 23 out of 24 hours a day, I feel very alone. It has made me wonder, why don't we talk about this more? One out of seven women in the U.S. will face PD and yet not one women has talked about her personal experiences to me. Not one. I have heard endless advice about pregnancy, how to get through morning sickness, labor and why everyone's particular method is the best, everything about breastfeeding, sleep methods, etc. etc. But out of everything I have faced regarding motherhood, postpartum depression by far has been the hardest. Probably one of the hardest things I have faced ever. And yet no one has said anything about it. I know other moms are out there. So this is why I am writing this post. To maybe let someone else know that they are not alone and if they want to talk, then I am here to listen as well.

What does postpartum depression feel like? Well I am learning it is different for others. But for me, it feels like this.

People think that as a new mom you must feel like this


But in reality this is what I feel like,

No matter how much sleep I get, I never feel rested.





And the rage. If someone does something that is the least bit annoying or bothersome, I get the rage.



I feel angry and grumpy probably 90% of the time.



And then the guilt sets in. Oh the guilt. I have an amazing life. An amazing husband. An amazing son. I should be happy. I feel so much guilt for not feeling happy and that I am a terrible mother.



And the tears.



And the deep deep sadness that sinks in. It is like wearing a weight around your shoulders all day long. You hope that when you wake up it will be a new day and you will feel new again, but when morning comes it is all still there.


And the loneliness.



I don't think I have ever felt more alone in my whole life.

Right now you might be thinking a few things. First of all, how sad, and maybe even pathetic. Or Kayla, don't you know that parenting is hard? This is what all new moms feel like. It isn't easy so just get over it, grab a Diet Coke, and keep going. Or maybe you relate.

The day minute I got home from the hospital I burst into tears when I saw my Mom. I barely even noticed the blue balloons and flowers she had bought for me. I convinced Sam to take Gavin and I slept for two hours and didn't even wake up when our first visitors came to see Gavin. That didn't bother me during the time, because well, I was tired, but now it does.

The baby blues are normal. Most women will find that they cry easily or feel over emotional in the first week or two of being a new parent. That is just because your body is going through huge physical and hormonal changes. I mean you just pushed a baby out of your body, your boobs are all of the sudden producing milk, you are probably in pain, you are beyond sleep deprived, and yet you are so in love with this new human being that you might burst. It's a lot to take in and it's no wonder we women cry a little or feel a little crazy at first. I definitely experienced all that. I cried a lot. A lot, a lot. But then I kept crying. Two weeks turned into a month, then two months.

Finally after a terrible crying episode Sam convinced me that I should probably seek a doctor's help. I ended up going to see a doctor to help me understand why I was feeling this way. I started taking a medication that makes me dizzy and drowsy every day, but at least I don't feel so sad. I do feel better. But still not 100% me. I wonder if I ever will feel like me again. I think that is part of this journey, I am trying to find a new balance in my life and hopefully one that doesn't involve taking anything or meeting with any more doctors. My hopelessness is fading and there does seem to be a light at the end of this.

It is hard to feel sad every day. It is hard to feel hopeless and down all the time. It is hard to feel annoyed with other people and feel like you can't do anything right. But the worst part of it all is that I feel like I have missed out on Gavin. I feel like there have been so many days that instead of just snuggling and enjoying my baby, I have been drowning in all of these emotions that there is just not enough of me to give to my own baby. So that is my new goal, now that I am feeling a little better I want to live my life with Gavin without regret. I know I am a good mom. But it is hard to convince myself some days.

It has been a long seven months since I brought Gavin home but I am learning how to live this new life. I am lucky to be overcoming this depression because there are so many women that don't. There is no way to describe the burden of living with this daily and still having to go through every day life as if everything is fine. I have made a lot of changes in which I put Sam and Gavin first and push aside the other things that keep us so busy and yet so unfulfilled.

If you are a women suffering with Postpartum Depression please get help. If a mother confides in you about her struggles, please don't just tell her that is "normal" and that parenting is just hard. Listen to her. Love her. Be her friend.