This last week at church we had a lesson in Relief Society about patience that really rang true to me and my life. I am positive that I am not the only one who feels this way but sometimes it just feels like I am. Something that Sam and I have been struggling with is the problem of the waiting game. We are always saying to each other "when such and such thing happens we will be happier" or "when we have such and such things our lives will be easier." I have realized that our whole lives we are simply waiting for the next thing to happen to us and thinking that life will get easier or better when those things happen. Ever since I have finished school and got married I have been struggling with this a lot, I mean A LOT. I guess it just feels like I did my time at school (twice), I went off and did some adventurous things, I dated a few weird boys before I found the right one, I have had about a dozen different jobs and moved about two dozen times to various houses and apartments. This problem I think can be summed up into three different parts:
The first: I am not a college student anymore, but still live a semester to semester life because of Sam. Even though I don't have homework anymore, I still feel the stress of deadlines and midterms, but I can't do anything about it. Confession: one time I actually wrote a paper for Sam and it felt great. It is so hard because Sam is studying Spanish and business and I can't help him with either one of those things. I just feel like I am in an eternal school waiting game. I can't wait for the day when tuition is no longer an expense and all my student loans are paid off as well.
The second: That awkward place where everyone around me is a parent and I am not yet. Sam and I are the only couple in our ward who do not have kids. We have only been married a year and I think I am the only one who is pressuring myself about this issue, but I still feel the pressure. I think part of it is that I am around kids pretty much every single day, but they are other people's kids. I want to be around my own kids, I just don't have them yet. And because of things like problem number one, I feel like it will never happen.
The third: I am not in college, I am not a mom, and yet I do still not have a career. One giant frustration this summer has been trying to find a teaching position. I have not been successful yet. After 5 interviews and many tears after being rejected every single time, I have been left very confused and frustrated. When I went back to school I really felt like it was the right thing to do and it seriously NEVER occurred to me that I would not find a job. The moral of the story is to not go into social studies education without and ESL endorsement or without being a coach. Let's just say I have some bitter feelings against coaches lately.
With those three problems weighing on my mind daily I keep living in the past, worrying about the future and feeling unhappy with my life, which makes me feel like an ungrateful crazy person. A piece of truth: I do have a good life, a great life! I have an amazing husband who loves me no matter how crazy emotional I am. I have a family who supports me. I do have a job to go back to during the school year. I have a comfortable home to live in. I have all the things in my life that I really need. So what is my big problem!?
I guess this whole post relates back to the lesson I had on Sunday. It related perfectly to how I was feeling and truly was an answer to a prayer. I realized I have had the answer all along, which is just to be patient. I have been trying really hard to enjoy my life in the moment and to accept things as they come. I am trying to be grateful for what I have and for where I am in my life.
Oh, sister, I can totally relate to almost everything you wrote. I get really frustrated feeling like I am "stuck" just waiting around for one thing to happen so I can get on with the rest of my life. And if that one thing doesn't happen, then what? I don't have a career that I've spent years building to fall back on. I have been trying really hard to just enjoy where I am at now and what I have now. I have to stay hopeful and positive for the future, but I also have to learn to be happy now. It is a constant struggle. Know that I am always thinking about you and rooting for you and always just a phone call away if you ever need to talk. Love you!
ReplyDeleteBethany, I definitely thought of you while I wrote this. Not because you don't have a good life, but because of how patient you are having to be, I don't know how to do it but I think you are awesome and amazing. I love you!
ReplyDeleteThat's just it- I (and you) have to be patient. If we are not, then we will just go crazy. The way I do it is to make a choice every day and to just take it one day at a time. Sometimes I give myself a few minutes in the day to consider the "what if's" but then I move on and change my focus. I try to focus on the things I can control about each day and not worry about the rest. It is good to have goals to work toward and a plan for your future (but those plans don't always work out the way you thought they would or on the ideal timeline), but don't miss out on the great things about your present while you are waiting for the future to happen. You get it, I know. But sometimes it's nice to know there are other people who understand. :-)
DeleteYeah, I really "get" this post. I won't lie, I felt a little less stuck when I got my full-time teaching job, but in some ways, when it wasn't exactly as ideal or wonderful or simple as I thought it would be, I almost felt more stuck: like maybe I hadn't gone into the right career. But the one I REALLY get you on is the one about not being a parent. See, my problem is that I don't really want to be one yet (I just don't feel it's the right time), and people (family and ward members) are really starting to ask us a lot about it, esp. our friends up here who have kids. In the end, I know that the Lord will provide the best path for us, so I might as well just enjoy where we're at now (which I do).
ReplyDeleteLove you, friend!
I struggle with this feeling too. I always feel like I will be happier when "this" happens, or whatever it is that I think I need at the time. It is really difficult to be happy with where you are in life, but still have goals and dreams for the future that you are working toward. I really hope that you will be able to find a job! I'm sorry things haven't been going as you expected. Love you!
ReplyDeleteKayla! I'm giving you a big big virtual hug right now! Who couldn't relate to this post?? Just remember that once you have kids, then you have them... FOREVER!! So what's the rush?? haha! No, I feel you about the parent thing. The pressure is definitely there. Maybe not in that particular department for me, but the pressure is always there for something, leaving me feeling like I'm not doing things the "right" way. The hardest thing for me to have come to grips with is that there isn't just ONE right way. Whichever way you decide to do things, and then whichever way life takes you after that... that is the right way for you. Since Caleb is still in school, I too live semester to semester. It is REALLY hard! You have every right to feel the way you do. It's awesome that you also see that you will be happier enjoying living in the moment. Caleb is VERY good at living in the now. I am not. I am always worrying about the future, to the point that I worry about my lack of faith. God helps you get by in whatever stage of life you are in. I wouldn't have had the chance to grow my faith if my life wasn't so unstable. So far, I've never managed to reach that comfortable spot I keep hoping for... and the pay off has been immense growth. Growing and Learning is HARD! Sometimes when I'm really struggling, a priesthood blessing will be just what I need to reassure me and help me keep on going. I LOVE you friend!! Don't beat yourself up. You are achieving more and growing more than you know.
ReplyDeletesorry, that was super long. I should just call you sometime!!!!
ReplyDeletewell, at least by all these comments, you should know you're definitely not alone in feeling this way!!!! not sure if that helps any or not..??! ;)
ReplyDeletebut seriously, i couldn't agree more. it's so so hard to live in the NOW and not worry so much about the 'better times' in the future. of course we'd love to have debt paid off, of course we want to own our own house, of course we want to start a family and be in that stage where we have a career, not just a 'job', and make 'real' money, and don't have to worry about stuff. but the truth is, we'll still have debt. we'll still have career worries and struggles. we'll still have stresses about our kids once we have them, and we'll still want more and be waiting for the next thing. we don't ever really learn, do we?
"I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." :)
oh man, do i relate. and i've loved reading your thoughts on this and all those who have commented too. we are all in this together -- and i think we all struggle with a lot of the same things, thats life for ya. hang in there -- you are such an awesome girl!
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